


For the First Time

by mariwaga



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama & Romance, First Meeting, First stuff, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Post-Break Up, Unlabeled relationship, as you can see it kinda goes downhill from there, brief depiction of self-harm, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 10:21:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27469414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mariwaga/pseuds/mariwaga
Summary: It's funny how a lot of things happen and change, happen and change, all in the course of more or less six months.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Kim Jongin | Kai
Kudos: 19





	For the First Time

**Author's Note:**

> This is a work I decided to tweak a little (ok maybe more than a little, I had to) since it's from way back my *coughs orange blood* wattpad days *wipes the sticky substance off* When I took each chapter from the site I realized my writing style was more messy than how it is now smh.
> 
> Enjoy reading!

**1216.**

**Elevator.**

The night is still young and yet Jongin doesn't mind, not ever, whether it wasn't or it was. For all the days of his life was, and would always be, carefully planned-- no matter how often the moonlight comes earlier, or how barely the sun shines in December, Jongin deems it as _just another day_.

But it repeats over and over in his mind with every crush of his shoe on the ground: _Take a break, Jongin._ He takes a quick turn at the corner of the street, legs grown familiar with the speed he usually takes at the same familiar route. _Have a week off and do something new, something interesting._

Interesting can be subjective, though. Jongin reads classic, romance novels. It's always the starved of it who craves for it, they say. And that's the only thing interesting for him-- and _when_ he's got barely enough space for the paperbacks he's bought over the years-- that idea doesn't seem to be something new either.

His distanced steps slowed down as he fixed the strap of his shoulder bag with a sigh. A sigh for what, he does not know. He looks down onto the gray pavement, following the trail of cracks and avoiding the few glances thrown at him; if he starts to overthink things, it'll look like their eyes were staring, curious, judging, even if they weren't. People barely knew him, or his name at least. With this, he evens his breathing and went past the unmanned lobby and straight for the elevator buttons. He's the last person to _be_ familiar, and somehow, he likes it that way.

The lift opened, young people clad in hipster clothes, laughing, rushing, out to catch maybe the club party Jongin himself heard of being held tonight, just a ride away from the entertainment center of the city.

"Aren't you gonna come in?" The stranger who's now in the lift asked, raising a brow as he waited for the tanned man to start moving.

But Jongin hesitated. At this hour, no one should be sharing the lift with him-- _like the usual_. Its been a while since he dodged two drunk guys in that same little space when he reached home an hour late two weeks ago. "Uh."

The stranger rolled his eyes but kept an amused smile on his face, and even if Jongin wanted to do something, anything, it still feels like there was suddenly a pebble stuck in between the gears of his daily life, the feeling of inconvenience paralyzing him.

Jongin didn't expect what happened next. The smaller guy held his bag's leather strap, and the next second he was pulling Jongin into the lift right before the doors closed.

"That was close." The guy mumbled to himself, or maybe even to Jongin, and chuckled right after.

Jongin was surprised at how comfortable the stranger was, and now he thinks he can finally draw a thick line between a dry atmosphere and what's not.

 _Ting._ Jongin stood beside the stranger, feeling the rough texture beneath his fingertips as he unconsciously ran them down the strap of his bag, all the while counting in his mind. _Two. Three._

"Would you mind to stop tapping your foot like that," The stranger's voice was full and deep, but not as cold as the monotonous office voices he hears every single day. It was different, but surprisingly not unwelcome. Jongin's eyes fell on the metal floor, stopping the nervous tapping, not daring to do it again or else... he can't come up with a consequence.

"You're being cute." _Four. A_ _m not._

The pale skinned man cleared his throat when Jongin seemed to ignore the statement. "Sorry, I shouldn't give out compliments just like that, huh?"

That's when Jongin, at loss for words in a conversation he's never written out a script for himself for, started to tap his foot against the floor again--this time faster than before. He's not even sure which signal to send anymore. _Five._

He suddenly turned to Jongin, eyes staring, curious, perhaps judging at a man who he thinks have nothing to be shy about. Oh, Jongin could list down a lot of things to be shy about. "Aren't you gonna say something?"

" _Six_." Jongin blurts.

"What?"

Jongin's eyes were wide in shock, afraid how the conversation should go and how it should end because out of everything he could have said, _why did he count out loud, right to a stranger's face?_ Seconds passed as his thoughts dried up achingly in his throat, as he's not able to find a normal and safe excuse. "Uh-"

"Oh, e _ight_." The stranger smiled at him again-- no, he was giggling. It was enthralling, to finally find a smile so charming, that Jongin realized it was at the cost of him being nothing but embarrassing. "I see, you were counting."

Jongin _was_ counting. He already lost the count, for his attention was now focused at the small guy. It was only then when he noticed how the man beside him was snow-skinned, and his neck had more moles he ever thought one person could have.

"I'm Kyungsoo." Kyungsoo faced him again, making him look away. At this point Jongin feels like the man wasn't surprised to catch him look away. "You are?"

Jongin hesitated, but pushed himself to say something. "J-jongin. Kim Jongin." _Twelve_.

 _Ting_. Jongin realized it was the guy's floor. "Bye, Jongin. It was nice _counting_ with you."

Jongin knew he was kidding for Kyungsoo winked at him. He smiled back, though--almost, for the doors have closed before he did. _Kyungsoo_.

He sighed and slipped his hands in his slacks' pockets.

 _Thirteen._ When will l see him again? His smile got unusually wider, an expression only the four corners of his room had seen longer than anyone has.

 _Ting_. His smile faded and his forehead creased. _Why is he even asking?_

Shaking his head to drive the thoughts away, he took his measured steps down the hall up to the door of his apartment. But he's been given days away from his so-called life, and he already got what he needs-- something new, something interesting, for the first time.

He turned the knob; the pale, petite guy with a cheeky smile, running in his mind.

 _Kyungsoo_.

**1220.**

**Invitation.**

"Jongin!"

Jongin stops in his tracks, trying to sink in the fact that a _strangely familiar_ voice called him by his given name. It hasn't been a long time since someone called him by his name, but out of all people who did; this made him feel... something else.

"Kim Jongin!" It repeated, a little louder than the first time, and so Jongin finally turned around and found the pale, petite guy he always thinks about, running towards his direction with the same heart-shaped smile.

Kyungsoo halted before him, catching his breath before speaking. "Hey, fancy to catch you again."

"Hi," He can't help but smile back -- a thing he rarely did. Jongin couldn't believe how his body cheats on his mind. "Kyungsoo."

Kyungsoo's eyes widened and so did his smile. "You remembered!"

"Of course." Jongin replied automatically, with which he himself is surprised. He never thought about the answer, but maybe his mind just tells him that it's obvious. Kyungsoo's been on his mind somewhere in the middle of work hours, when the office gets a bit quiet, until telephones ring to put him back into the zone.

There was a short pause between them, where they just stared at each other, waiting. Kyungsoo tried to start, "So, why are you out this late?"

"I was just... walking..." Jongin wondered why they fell silent again, worried if he said something wrong in just four words, or if those four words weren't enough and he didn't say something he should. So he continued, "How about you?"

"I was actually looking for you." Kyungsoo looked a little shy, but of course, Jongin wouldn't notice it was real, it must have been his imagination. Right. He's more timid than the shorter guy in front of him.

He fought the urge to pull the smaller guy and squish him for reasons he couldn't quite comprehend, like that urge to wrap your hands around a puppy's neck but holding it back because that's just not right. So instead, he smiled and softly asked, "Why?"

"Well, it's been four days since I saw you and, I know we just know each other's names but, I'm alone this coming Sunday, and I was hoping, if you could, or if you aren't busy-"

"I am." Jongin reacted, the excitement and nervousness inside him all invisible to Kyungsoo, he hopes (even if deep inside he knows the truth isn't what he hopes for.) "Not busy, I mean. Do you want me to accompany you?"

Kyungsoo slowly nods, as if it dawned on him that now he's not that sure if its normal to ask a stranger out and Jongin wonders if it's even more acceptable for him to easily say yes to the invitation. "Well, that is if it's okay with you."

"Yes."

They stood there, motionless, waiting for the other to break the forming ice and finish the exchange. But who really would, if it seemed that they both don't want yet to part? Jongin laughs at the thought in his head, like he does all the time for being silly with his heavily biased monologues.

Monologues from all the bits and pieces of every word he's read and written. He wants a taste of that world now, _so bad._

"Would you... want to have coffee... at my place?" Jongin asked. _There's no harm in trying, right?_ He convinced himself.

"I love coffee." Kyungsoo beamed, and Jongin could only thank the heavens for giving him all the courage and luck he could muster for three decades today.

Jongin placed his hands in his coat pockets, walking leisurely with Kyungsoo right beside him, taking steps in the same pace. Their elbows were touching, and for the first time, they're closer than they were in the elevator. For the first time, he admitted that this is it-- he's into that 'something new' and 'something interesting' his nosy, worried boss wanted him to find out there.

 _Kyungsoo_.

"Hmm, your place looks good." Kyungsoo commented as he entered the apartment, following Jongin's lead. Jongin switched the lights on and Kyungsoo admired (Jongin was relieved that today he left the deodorizer turned on, and no speck of dust could be left uncleaned on his black and white designed interior). "You've got a nice home."

"Oh, thanks," Jongin rubbed the back of his neck, glad if he somehow gave Kyungsoo a good impression. He really hopes he did. "Feel at home."

"Of course, thank you." Kyungsoo instantly wore the white cotton slippers resting by the door, laughing as he went on and sat on Jongin's white sofa.

"Do you want anything warm?" Jongin asked, with which Kyungsoo's brows arched. "I mean a drink. Since it's cold."

"Didn't you offer me coffee?" Kyungsoo replied with a teasing smile. _He did, Jongin, and he said he lovesd coffee. And probably warm hugs. From warm people. I'm not a warm person, though._ Before Jongin even spirals to self-loathing, Kyungsoo added, "White please."

"Ah yes." Jongin just smiled again. He realized things have gone so fast in one day, and it's because of the same reason why he's only fallen asleep to 90's love songs he plays in timer on his bedside in the past few nights. _Kyungsoo_. "Coming up."

**0101.**

**Assurance.**

Jongin opened his eyes lazily, unable to check the green digits by his side table. He guessed that he lost an hour or two of sleep, but as he shut his tired eyelids again and remebered why his muscles felt like they were torn, a ridiculous smile crept up on his face. "Hyung."

"Hmm," Kyungsoo hummed in response as he tightened his embrace around the younger's waist. "Nini."

Jongin didn't answer, and instead rubbed his hyung's bare arms-- a way to make the best out of the gap, that doesn't almost exist, between them.

Shifting a little, Kyungsoo asked, "Are you hungry?"

"No." Jongin lied. He just doesn't want this moment to end, a calm moment where he feels no pressure; where it is only the two of them under the same thick sheets. "Just go back to sleep, it's too early to get up."

"I can't go back to sleep anymore." Kyungsoo yawned and started drawing circles on Jongin's chest with his index finger, the contrast of their skin temperature tickling the latter. "Why don't we, talk about something."

"About?" Jongin played with Kyungsoo's jet black hair, stroking the strands slowly, making sure that his skin gets to familiarize itself with the softness.

Kyungsoo tried hard not to roll his eyes, thinking how clueless Jongin could be. He placed his palm upon the skin below the younger's collarbone. "Let's talk about _us_ , Jongin. What do you think of _us_?"

Jongin thought for a while, involuntarily stopping his hand's motion. He gulped, not knowing what to say at first. "Me?"

There was nothing but black and white and them within the silence of the city still asleep, and this must be the time to face and end these uncertainties. Jongin then smiled, staring at the streak of light peeking through his glass windows. "I think... I think I love you."

 _He thinks?_ Kyungsoo's lips curved up into a mocking grin though the man he's hugging could not see. But he fails in hiding the short sting of pain he felt in his chest caused by the denial. "You aren't sure, are you?"

Jongin's smile has gone away at Kyungsoo's question. It's not because he doesn't really love Kyungsoo that he answered that way; he just doesn't know what love really is, for that matter. Or maybe he knows, one way or another, and sometimes he just wants to say whatever it is that would satisfy his receiver.

But before he could even explain what he meant, another set of questions blocked his thoughts.

"You've never been sure of anything, have you?" Kyungsoo pulled away from the tanned male's grip, and waited for Jongin's eyes to meet his. "Tell me. If you think you love me today," he paused with his eyes wide, a mix of curiosity and pain visible deep inside its orbs. "Do you think you still would by tomorrow?"

And in sad, desperate seconds, the windows of the two male's souls were locked at each other, before they shared a slow, passionate kiss, initiated by the younger.

"Let me rephrase it then," Jongin whispered before pecking on Kyungsoo's full lips again. "I think I'm loving you more each day, hyung." Jongin chose his words carefully, coating them with his loving tone. "I wouldn't be sure of how far this love could get, but I'm sure that I want you to be with me as far as forever."

The atmosphere turned lighter, and the beating of their hearts were surprisingly heard as one. Why is that possible? No one clearly knows. Maybe it was unreal.

But Kyungsoo believed in forever, and he thinks it won't harm to believe in it more with Jongin's answer. "Me, too."

Neither of them tried to look away, a habit they've been building, working on it together; taking in the sight, the scent, the feeling. They gave each other a small smile before Kyungsoo kissed him deep and made his way on top of him.

Maybe the words were enough to keep them together-- for now.

**0215.**

**DéjàVu.**

"Are you asleep?" Jongin mumbled, stroking his lover's hair.

Kyungsoo smiled, feeling a tingling sensation in his stomach as he heard the deep voice speaking softly. "Not yet."

Jongin glanced at the clock on his side table, and it read one o'clock. He has plenty of time, he thinks. "Let's sleep again."

"No," Kyungsoo protested, showing the male beside him a pout that never fails on Jongin. "I just want to stay like this."

"Like what?" Jongin asked, pulling the older nearer. He felt happy, feeling the warm breath of Kyungsoo hitting his skin at every exhale.

Kyungsoo buried his face on Jongin's chest, memorizing the scent he loved. "Like we're one."

They were one. It all started with a Christmas eve spent together under the mistletoe, where Kyungsoo kissed the side of Jongin's lips. It was supposed to land on the taller's cheek, but then, as if destiny worked it's magic, the kiss lasted more than either of them planned to, even with an indistinct reason.

"We'll always be, hyung." Jongin whispered, comfortably taking time to savor the moment where his skin is against Kyungsoo's.

"For the past days, we barely went out together." Kyungsoo sighed, pushing Jongin slightly away to look at him in the eye. "Say, are we still the same, Jongin?"

Jongin's forehead creased and he grabbed Kyungsoo back to his chest. "Of course we are. Maybe I was just a little busy."

"If I let you choose between work and me, what would you choose over the other?"

"Hyung? You know-"

"I don't." Kyungsoo shook his head like a little child, badly wanting to be noticed, to be taken care of. "Tell me, Jongin."

Jongin sighed. His job is his life. It was that for a long time, but now, Kyungsoo is here. "You."

Kyungsoo then happily snaked his arms around the younger's waist and embraced him. "Thank you."

Jongin felt the déjà vu. Kyungsoo is asking for reassurance, like how he did on the first month that they started casually seeing each other. Surely, it wouldn't hurt to ask the same? "Hyung, do you _love_ me?"

It was a silly question. Both of them know by now. But no question's unimportant when it comes to this kind of matter, at least not now when their fire is starting to burn steady.

"Did you hit your head?" Kyungsoo teased, just seeing if he could lighten up the mood. "Of course I love you. I don't know what awaits us tomorrow, or the day after that, and so on, and so on," Kyungsoo ran his fingers in Jongin's hair, removing the latter's bangs out of his face. "But I know that love keeps us together, even more than words could keep your articles together."

" _God, I love you, hyung_."

What Jongin had said has never happened before. Maybe it's true that he wasn't sure a while back, maybe he was trying to find his footing, maybe he wanted it to be special, on a moment he feels it genuinely fighting to escape his mouth. And after such long, long time waiting for it, Kyungsoo now felt more than complete. "Did you just-"

"I told you hyung," Jongin simply uttered. "I love you."

Kyungsoo grinned.

They shared a hug in the same familiar warmth of sheets, their naked bodies entangled underneath. Yesterday was the day of hearts, but today, Kyungsoo felt better than he did than any other occasion. So did Jongin, whose heart, for the first time, beats for a special someone.

 _Kyungsoo_.

**0403.**

**Regrets.**

Today, two sleepless nights have passed and Jongin can't deny the fact that nothing good has happened. Maybe it was a nice thing before, to exist without having to worry of feeling alive, but it's different now. The clear jar of creamer in his counter was still half-filled, while mugs of unfinished dark coffees are in the sink.

But how could he fall into slumber when he realizes that the only one that makes him look forward to tomorrows is the same someone that has ruined his priority list?

_This shouldn't have happened right from the start._

_But why does it hurt so bad?_

A knock on the door woke Jongin's senses up, and he goes straight to open the door without minding the mess of himself.

Kyungsoo.

His heartbeat raced at the sight of his hyung, but even before he asks him to come in, the happiness easily crawled away as quickly as he felt it.

"I dropped by to give this back." Kyungsoo said casually, like nothing happened the other night. But they never had something to hold onto, right? Words may seem so big and yet, when you shake them, you find out how empty they are. Kyungsoo never knew what they actually were, and that made him conclude that there was nothing to tie them down together in the first place. It just took the complaints that Jongin stated right at his face to prove the non-existent love that Jongin used to label as something he wanted forever.

_"Hyung, do you really have to wait for me to come home?"_

_"Of course."_

_"But I don't think this is right. We're not even-- we aren't really official yet."_

_Silence._

_"Do we need to be for me to wait for you?"_

_Jongin gulped, asking himself the same question but failing to answer. "I don't know."_

_"You told me we'll take things a bit slower, Jongin. I agreed."_

_"Is that enough?" Jongin curiously asked, his eyes looking for the answer in his lover's eyes._

_Kyungsoo let out an awkward laugh and stood up from the couch. "Why are we talking about this anyway? If you had a bad day-"_

_"We should talk about it, hyung. You don't need to be like this. I'm tired these days and being scared of this set-up at the same time is exhausting sometimes."_

_It was Kyungsoo's turn to gulp as questions ran in his own mind, letting out the only acceptable question in the moment. "Why?"_

_"I am... not even sure if I meant what I said anymore."_

_"Sure of what?"_

_Jongin sighed, not being able to process every thought before speaking. "I might not be sure if I... if this is love. I don't know what it truly is, or if that's what I feel. I'm scared that I can blindly define love as if I know it and then hurt you without meaning to because I was wrong."_

_Kyungsoo's world seems to crash down on him as he listened to Jongin's choice of words. "Then does that mean that you don't?"_

_"Don't what?"_

_"Love me?"_

_"Hyung--"_

_"Then what are you trying to say?" Kyungsoo wasn't pleased at the turn of events, and so he raised his voice._

_"Maybe we need space to think? Maybe we need to know what we really are, and make sure of what we really feel?"_

_"Are you kidding me?" Kyungsoo asked, only to be replied with silence and a deep, sorry, stare._

_"You," Kyungsoo said, looking away and trying to prevent the tears from falling. "You need this. Because to be honest, Kim Jongin, I am sure. I was already willing to take the risk. I was waiting for you to take it too. But you just won't."_

Jongin stared at the key in Kyungsoo's hand, and there was this urge in him not to take it, rather, pull his hyung back into his arms. But it's his fault that Kyungsoo barely looked at him as he slowly took the cold metal, brushing his shivering hand against the pale one, remembering how they looked for perhaps the last time. "Are you... sure?"

Dumb. Jongin knew he was dumb enough to ask him such question when he was the one who didn't hesitate in making words slip out of his mouth without thinking about them. "I mean, we can talk about this again-"

"No need." Kyungsoo tried to smile before immediately turning away. "I'm going."

"Hyung-"

"I'll see you when I see you." With that, Kyungsoo left, and Jongin remained silent, even if deep inside, he's pleading for his hyung to not go.

 _But maybe,_ Jongin thinks, as he watched Kyungsoo's retreating back until he was gone, _they believed in something that didn't really exist._

Jongin blamed himself for feeling more alone than he ever was. It was supposed to be normal, to be living without anyone around, but then something felt missing. Ever since Kyungsoo had that key, he'll constantly appear in the house, bringing in groceries, cooking for the two of them, taking care of the house, taking care of _him_.

"Fuck." Jongin slammed the key on his desk; the paperwork he took home that should've been done by the hour was still on top, half of the original load yet to be touched. Sighing, Jongin propped an elbow on the table, his palm covering his eyes. "I miss you, hyung. I'm sorry."

A teardrop escaped his eye, as fast as the sincerest feelings escaped his lips. "I-I love you."

**0507.**

**Changes.**

More than a month has passed ever since Kyungsoo returned that spare key to Jongin's apartment. He thinks it's of no use anymore, now that he has no reason to go there.

"It could've been a bad April Fool's prank. But heck, I was more than surprised to hear him say it isn't. It felt worse."

Baekhyun didn't know how to comfort his friend. If only Kyungsoo was still the same jolly person who cries a river when in pain, it could've been easier; but no. Kyungsoo plays tough, and Baekhyun does not know how this level works. The easy level is strategic, but the difficult level is experimental. "Hey. Just cry, Kyungsoo."

Kyungsoo stared at nowhere, his grip on the phone, tight. "But what can my tears do? Can they bring Jongin and I back?"

"No," Baekyun stated. "But those tears would help bring the Kyungsoo I know, back."

That night, Kyungsoo let the tears flow. The tickling teardrop rolling down his cheeks making him lonelier than he already is. He's crying. He's fucking crying and the only one who can make him smile is the same person who made him cry. And fuck it, he thought as he furiously wiped the tears away, that person is the only person he wants to make him stop crying and smile again.

At the other side of the story, Kim Jongin is currently battling with his mind, because his priorities aren't the same anymore. He can't think well, unlike how he used to. Even his boss, who suggested that he take a break, noticed how he's changed after.

"What happened?"

"I don't know." Jongin uttered as his boss uses that father-like tone on him again. "Please don't ask me anymore--"

"You're sad."

"That..." Jongin sighed. "I know."

"Why?"

"I-I can't explain." Jongin looked down. "I'm sorry."

"I'm afraid I'm not the one you should apologize to." His boss smiled at him and tapped his shoulder. "Is it that guy who visited you here at lunch?"

"I'm confused. I don't know how to set my priorities straight anymore. I love him but--"

"No but's, Kim Jongin. You said you love him. If you couldn't choose between two things, that's because you don't have to choose. Priorities don't mean you need to take one instead of the other. Balance them."

Jongin just stared at his boss, an elder man he never thought could speak such words to him. For the first time, he realized that he loved. And that he still loves. Kyungsoo.

"I can't believe you're a writer!" his boss chuckled. "You're realizing things when you've written them already. Correct your mistakes immediately!"

Jongin heard every word, but he bolted out of the office too fast that he forgot to thank the man who made him understand what he felt and advised him what to do.

Only one thing is running in his mind as he rushed out of the publishing company building.

 _Kyungsoo_.

**0508.**

**Hurt.**

"He's right," Baekhyun smirked at Jongin who seemed not to care if Baekhyun just entered his ex-boyfriend's apartment. "You're here."

Jongin laid still, the white pillow that once was Kyungsoo's in his arms. "Is he back?"

"No." Baekhyun answered him before going to the closet. "And he won't ever."

"Why?"

Baekhyun paused from taking the few clothes left in the cabinet. "You dare to ask why? Ask yourself, Kim Jongin. Why?"

"Why?" Jongin repeated, but this time, to himself. And the answer he tried to forget just the night before came across his mind just to make him cry again.

Baekhyun hurried in shoving the clothes and other stuff he thinks is important into the travel bag. "Stop crying. You're not in Kyungsoo's shoes for you to cry."

Jongin fell from the bed in an effort to stand up. Instead, he crawled towards Baekhyun, and when he reached him, he clung unto his leg. "Tell me where he is, please. Please..."

"I can't, Jongin. I want both of you to be happy but it seems like there's no way for you two-"

"I don't want to lose him!"

"You just did!"

Jongin's grip came loose, but Baekhyun never expected what Jongin's reaction would be when he shouted. Jongin punched the mirror on the cabinet door and thus hurt himself. Bits of glass hit his face, and his knuckles were covered in blood.

"He brought me life." He cried, blood and tears against his cheeks. "It's hard, I couldn't imagine it... without him."

Baekhyun closed the travelling bag with a loud zip. He opened a couple of drawers and found an old shirt, ripped it, and kneeled before the bleeding man. "You shouldn't hurt yourself. It won't change the fact that you already hurt someone else."

He took Jongin's hand and wrapped the cloth around it. "Nor would it take the pain away from the other person. You just end up hurting yourself too, and in the end you didn't heal the pain you've already caused on the other person."

"Could you tell me when I could see him?"

"I would, but for now, stop all this shit and be a better man. We take the love we think we deserve, don't we? So be worthy. Because I'm telling you, Jongin, Kyungsoo's love is worth it as well."

Jongin and Baekhyun didn't speak after that, and Baekhyun stood up. "Wash it as soon as you feel like getting up. Don't do nothing about it, Jongin."

Jongin couldn't understand what was running in his mind, but he's sure it had a double meaning. And it was about his Kyungsoo. He stared at the broken pieces on the cream colored carpet, seeing his reflection broken as well. _Don't do nothing._

"Wait for the wound to heal before trying to remove the bandage." Baekhyun's last words were deeper than the cuts he had, and it sure hit him hard.

**0616.**

**Chances.**

"Hyung."

Kyungsoo could've been happy to hear Jongin call him that way, but his smile faded even before it surfaced. He's not the same anymore.

Ever since Jongin gave up, nothing's ever been the same. "Jongin."

Silence enveloped the two as they exchanged undecipherable stares, which Kyungsoo thought could take forever. But no, Kyungsoo shakes his head as this crosses his mind, and quickly looks away. _There's no such thing as forever with him._

"How are you?" Jongin knew it wasn't the best thing to say after a long time that they haven't talked. Yet that was the only thing he's brave enough to ask. A question that could've either been an 'I miss you' or better yet, an 'I want you back' only if Jongin did not notice how they've obviously grown apart -- how Kyungsoo calls him by his given name instead of his nickname, or how he took the seat across him instead of sitting beside him.

Jongin still loves Kyungsoo. In fact, he never stopped loving him. It took him a while to realize this, and when he did, it was too late.

Kyungsoo cleared his throat. "I'm fine." He then leaned back on his seat, mentally slapping himself for uttering the same lie for the hundredth time. "Why are we here again?"

Jongin's heart literally thumped faster. Of course, that would be the first thing that Kyungsoo would ask. But even if he had originally planned what to say, his words are pulled back by the butterflies in his stomach even before they reach his throat.

"Jongin." Kyungsoo called out, raising a brow at the younger who just blinked a few times from the previous stare he gave Kyungsoo. "Up until now, you suck at saying what you feel."

_How could I say what I feel without you freaking out?_

Jongin thought to himself, his mind not being able to formulate the right signals to his body. He breathed in, as deep as he can, as if it helps him in gathering up the voice he needs to tell him what he really wants to say--what he feels. "I just... want you back."

"You _just_ want me back." Kyungsoo repeated, his eyes wide as if mocking the person in front of him for telling a bad joke. "So I guess it's just a small thing for you, Jongin. _Just_ sending me a message to meet up after a long while, _just_ making me go back to this goddamn place filled with our past, _just_ saying you want me to give you another fucking chance?"

"Hyung..." He didn't know how to respond as he took in every single detail that Kyungsoo had said. But what else should he try to say?

Pretend that he didn't want him back?

Smile and pretend like it doesn't hurt to see the man you love turn into the man who loved?

"You can't just want people back, Jongin. There can't be second chances anymore when you've wasted them a long time ago."

**0626.**

**Embrace.**

There was no one else around, and it was what Kim Jongin always loved-- the night wind's faint whispers calming his nerves. Here, he's away from everything that bothered him, everything that pressured him.

 _Sometimes_ , _being alone was the better choice_ ; that's what he always thought.

He had everything he needed, well, even more than that. He was once contented with his life and how it was and would be; carefully planned and structured.

He closed his eyes as two warm arms crept around his waist, tightening in seconds. "I missed this."

A smile formed on his lips after hearing those words, words that never failed to bring him butterflies inside. "I missed this, too." He held his hands in his, intertwining their fingers in the process. Cold, rough hands against warm, soft ones. Its been a while since they've moved on, getting back the tiny pieces and filling the empty spaces once again. They knew it was just them who understood each other's needs more than anyone else. They knew they just needed time.

Days after the conversation in the coffee shop, both of them sensed how they longed for each other, just a little bit more each day, until they can't take it anymore. A knock on the door, a kiss by the couch, a familiar key against a familiar palm. It was all that needed to happen for everything to fall back into place once again.

They remained quiet, savoring the moment as if it's the last. Who knows what's going on each other's mind?

"Kyungsoo," he paused for a while, holding his breath, before completing the thought with a sigh. "They won't accept us."

It sounded more like a complaint than a statement. Acceptance was something people would never give the two. But unlike Jongin, Kyungsoo never thought of making himself someone who controls what is supposed to happen. "I know."

He knows he can't.

Jongin turned to face Kyungsoo, wrapping his arms around the latter's hips. He shrugged the previous thought off with the simplest gesture he was familiar of. "Why are you up here?"

"I just knew you would be here." Away from all those selfish people, judgemental in every way that leaves them miserably talking about other people's lives instead of trying something new and interesting.

"Oh."

Kyungsoo smiled, his eyes reflecting the lonely moonlight. "They won't accept this." It was too obvious, the sadness written on his face. He wanted to assure his lover, or maybe even convince himself that everything will be fine again, like the intimate moments before they broke up would be back, or even better. "But at least you did."

Jongin tried to give him some hope, and so he smiled and pulled him in for an embrace, the loud beating of his heart ringing in Kyungsoo's ears. "Of course I did."

"That's all that matters, Jongin." He mumbled before burying his face further against the younger's chest.

There was no one else around, and it was what they always loved. Sometimes, Jongin thought that being alone was the better choice.

He squeezed his hyung in his arms, no plans of letting go anymore. Because now he realized, being alone together was the best. For the first time.

**Author's Note:**

> If you reached this I wanna say thank you for reading ;-; also,,, this was really bad but it was all I could save from my watty lol pls dont hate me


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